Breaking Barriers down barriers to love

Let’s face it, after dating for a while, we build barriers to protect our hearts. Breaking down barriers to love requires courage. But it’s worth it.

I was just working with an amazing client last night who is doing a beautiful job of seeing and breaking down her barriers. She reminded me of my own ‘strategy,’ which was dating unavailable men.

I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I took a step back and had a hard look at my patterns. Once I owned it, I asked myself: “WHY — what’s in it for me?” The answer went deep into the sinkhole that lived in my heart: “it’s not going to work out for me, so why date someone real? I deserve at least this bit of fun.” Ick. 

Except I deserved all. Once I let go of that tired old story that it wasn’t serving me, I met the man that is my all a few weeks later. 

Other common protection strategies include hiding in work or with friends, staying stuck on your ex and not asking for what you need. 

If you are ready to take a deep breath and break down your barriers to love, ask yourself:

  • Do you have a “protection strategy”?
  • How is it benefiting you?
  • What is it costing you?

If you are ready to break down your barriers and open up to a healthy, satisfying relationship, please join me at Empowered Dating Saturday, November 8thThis is for small groups of 8 so reserve your spot today before it sells out!

Xo
Adelma

PS – If you are not in NYC but you want a similar workshop in your area or online, just hit reply and let me know what you’re looking for. 

Cutting the cord

This one comes from a reader who asked:

“I fell in love with a man who was so right for me. We became pregnant but lost the child. Soon after our relationship ended and he is now with someone else. I know I need to let go, but I can’t. HELP!”

Ouch. I feel for you. That was a very intense connection.

It has been said, and I believe, that each time you have such a strong connection with someone, they are either your mate or your teacher. Perhaps this experience was given to you to teach you something you would need for in the future.

It’s not always so easy to let go though. I remember after loosing a deep, soul connected love thinking I was done. No one else would ever make me feel that way. Which is true — no one else can ever make you feel exactly the same way.

Your next love will be different because you will be different. You will be stronger and more aware of what you need and desire in a relationship. More aware of the kind of partnership that works for you and what doesn’t work for you. All of this is good.

But first you must clear space in your heart to welcome your new love in.

I find the cutting the cord ritual is a powerful way to cut the emotional ties that keep you focused on a past love. It may seem hokey but taking action to perform this ritual provides the closure many people need.

There are several ways to cut the cord. The one I like best is below, but you can adapt it to your own style.

  1. Draw a warm bath and add 1/4 cup of salt to the water.
  2. Immerse yourself in the water and recall the good things about your relationship. Thank the person for what you learned from them. Then say, “I am ready to let you go now.”
  3. Visualize a cord between you and this person. Imagine holding a machete or huge scissors. Visualize cutting the cord, repeating “I release you, I release you, I release you.”
  4. From then on you will feel less tied to this person. You will think about them less and when you do think about them you will be able to move on quickly by repeating “I release you.” Keep repeating that phrase until they fade into the background.

With this new space in your heart, focus on the love you want to experience. What does it feel like to be with this person? To put it out there, share this with us below!

xo

Adelma

Are you a professional woman who is ready to meet your partner?

Drop the games and running around to events you don’t even enjoy. All that stuff doesn’t matter.

After interviewing tons of women in long, happy relationships, I heard a lot of “just be yourself.” But when you listen closely, what they actually did was create a loving confidence, embracing every bit of themselves and others with love instead of fear, which then attracted love. 

For why it works and how to create it even after disappointment or years of dating, check out this video: Ready For Love. (Bonus it makes you feel amazing right now!)

The Ready for Love Workshop is on Saturday, November 8th from 3-5pm in NYC.

Register For $39 by Friday October 17th! Regular Price $49.

sign me up scotty

Love vs Fear When it comes down to it, we can only be in one of two emotions at any given time: love or fear. Love creates trust, connection, peace, gratitude and faith. This leads to connection collaboration, play and healing. You are your best self.
  Fear creates distrust, sadness, anger. This leads to protection and retaliation, smallness.

It is impossible to be in love and fear at the same time. Try it for yourself.
 
To reconnect with love, try this simple exercise: list 5 things you are grateful for.
 
You might say that things suck today, I don’t want to feel grateful. If you are sad or angry, let yourself feel it for a bit. Stuffing it doesn’t help. 

But dwelling doesn’t help either. Feeling love within in you will make YOU feel better. Do it just for you. xo Adelma

Fireworks

(Secret, it’s not about volume.)

A woman, we’ll call her Sheryl, came into a session and declared: “I am going on 2 dates a week until I meet the right guy.”

Sounds smart right? I hear this a lot.

Thing is, it’s not a numbers game. I will say that again – finding your love is not a numbers game.

So I asked her, “Do you want 50 husbands or the right 1?

“It’s about quality, not quantity. 99% of the people out there are not right for you. And that’s a good thing. It makes the search so much easier when you let go of the shoulds and focus on what you want.”

Sheryl: “Really?” She breathed a sigh of relief.

Adelma: “Yeah. And believe me, I tried. I went on literally hundreds of dates. I have met tons of men, good men – during my MBA, traveling the world, running marathons, online dating for 4 years in NYC.”

Sheryl: “So what is it about?” 

Adelma: “I think it’s about being crystal clear on who you are and what you want, and speaking it. This magnetizes you.”

Sheryl: “But what if I am so specific it turns people away?”

Adelma: “Great question. Let’s say you are an explorer and you love geeking out at a science museum. The person who is really into that will love you for it, be drawn to it and there is your connection. The person who isn’t into it will be turned off, but so what. Better to find out now then 4 dates, months or years later.

If you hide you the person looking for you can’t find you. Instead of trying to be perfect and then putting a ton of effort into looking, simply speak who you are and be open to receive beautiful love. It’s coming when the time is right.”

Sheryl: “Ahhh, it feels so freeing,” she said, glowing.

Try this:

  1. On a sheet of paper, list all the qualities the person must have – generosity, communication, etc.
  2. Now write out why each one is important to you. Remove any “shoulds”, fixes or qualities that you cannot articulate why they are important.
  3. Envision your life with this person — what does it feel like? What are you doing? Write a short paragraph describing what you see.
  4. Pull out the key qualities and moments and add them to your online dating profile or use them on dates.
  5. Know that your clarity and heart will attract this person who will either be right, or will show you more clearly what you really want. Gracefully let the others go.

 

 

Today, I want to talk about one of the biggest dreams out there – love. How to create more connected relationships, whether you are single and looking for love, or in a committed relationship.

When the pressure is on on a day like today, it can seem like you need to spend a lot of money or make a large gesture. While that is much appreciated, I’ll share 3 tips you can use to deepen your connection, without having to run out and buy something!

I’m trying something new – video! I couldn’t figure out how to edit out the eyes closed opening scene so I will work on that next time.

Hope that was helpful! Please leave a note below and let me know what you liked or what it helped shift in your life and relationships.

xo

Adelma

Sensitivity in Love

Love is beautiful… BUT sometimes getting there is tricky. Believe me, I know. With such deep emotion, it can be easy to get thrown off.

Bringing your relationship closer together is all about nurturing an honest connection. This is especially important for sensitive people, who experience stronger feelings than most (like me).

This Valentine’s Day instead of a Teddy Gram, give the gift of closeness. Here are some ideas that really work:

#1 Be honest with yourself: embrace your feelings

We want to feel good all the time, so the natural inclination is to push away intense feelings. Unfortunately, pushing them away only makes them stronger. To make matters worse, hiding out distances you and often causes a blow up later. It never works.

Embracing your feelings, especially when you are hurt, is key.

Next time, try breathing deeply into your hurt feeling, whether it is fear or anger or longing. It will soften much more quickly. Once you return to a calm perspective, you can approach the situation with new eyes.

Next, determine what triggered your reaction.

#2 Be honest with your partner

If it was the current situation, say someone was late to a movie, ask yourself what you desire in the long term. Is it to appreciate each other and treat each other with respect? Approaching the situation from that perspective will set a connected tone. Be honest but simple with your partner. Use I statements to show how you feel. For example, “I love being with you, but when you are late, I don’t feel cherished. It is hard for me to count on you for big things if I can’t count on you for small things.” It may feel tough to say this but harboring resentment is worse. A who partner cherishes you appreciates your honesty. That is the kind of partner you want.

On the flip side, when your partner has a concern, listen, appreciate where they are coming from and make it right. Then let it go and have fun together.

#3 Do the work

Other times, your reaction is a familiar feeling you have had for years, such as feeling abandoned. Your partner may have triggered it, but he or she did not create it. If it is coming up frequently, it is probably holding you back. Doing the work to release this feeling, likely from childhood, will be highly effective.

As always, if you like this post, please leave a comment below!

xo

Adelma

Lobster

Lobster, Love & Slowing Down

Sometimes you just need a little tail.

Whether it’s lobster, love or sitting on our bums, slowing down to take care of ourselves and those we love is one of the best things we can do.

Clams and blueberry crisp shared with loved ones are better than eating a pound of kale alone.

Last weekend about 65 of us joined Uncle Stuart in Maine to celebrate his 100th birthday. “How does one get to be 100?” I asked. “What’s your secret? “ Stuart says it’s “having fun doing it and everybody being happy!

Good advice. Did we have fun and indulge? Absolutely. Did we feel it the next day? Maybe. Ok, I am still feeling the dairy. But the memories will keep us happier and more alive for months.

So go ahead, indulge with those you love. Create space for what’s important.

That’s where the fireworks are.

Happy 4th,
Adelma

What’s your favorite 4th of July moment? Share on facebook here.

If this message makes you smile, share it with someone you love.

I am excited to share a process with you that has been amazingly transformative for me and now for others in workshops.

It’s called Paint Transform.

It began innocently one day in Brazil.

Painting following my brush, I was musing over my last relationship, heart still tight, terrified of getting hurt again. Unconsciously, my brush painted peace, a way to move forward with wisdom. It was my inner guru.

And the tightness vanished. I felt light, hopeful for the first time in months. It was cathartic.

Art therapy has been used for years to provide insight into serious illness. I contend there is a much broader application: to use painting as a simple tool to see and transform our hearts.

Why It’s So Powerful

You solve your problem.

You become the solution. Rather than seeing what you want to do, but having no idea how to get there, your emotions have already shifted. You are already there.

Results you may experience through this process:

  • Listening to your inner guru & what you really want
  • Letting go of painful events
  • Forgiveness

Get your Paint on and Start your own Transformation!
No artistic experience needed.

Join us for the next Paint Transform Workshop
Sunday, August 4th 1-4pm @ Studio Anya, 49 West 24th St, 8th Fl. NYC

Register now!
For more info, click here.

Happy Painting,
Adelma

PS. If you like it or know someone this would be perfect for, please pass it on!